Manimals

Tuesday, December 13th

Giants (Sal) vs. Jets (Rob) – Sal chose Rob’s favorite team, while Rob chose the Dirty-Dirty Sanchez.  And he was dirty.  Not in a good way.  Thankfully, this defensive slugfest…oh fuck it.  This game was just ugly.  Revis had a pick,  LT broke a huge run, and Victor Cruz salsa-ed his way to two scores, but Sal’s inability to score in the first half and the 4th quarter led to his demise.  17-14 Jets.

IT’S TEBOW TIME

Tuesday, December 6th

Packers (Kumar) at Broncos (Mike) –  Yes, you read that correctly.  As as you would imagine, Mike dropped to a knee and “Tebowed” after his opening drive 80-yard TD strike to Erik Decker.  After that, we actually had a good football game.  The Pack had a 1-point halftime lead, and key interceptions in the redzone by Brian Dawkins and some dude named Moore helped give Tebow chances at a miracle.  Unfortunately, a 3rd quarter safety and a costly pick were the deciding factors for “Team Jesus”.  The cameras caught Tebow praying post-game, but Aaron Rogers was spotted in the background, as he often is, photo-bombing.

Post-Thanksgiving Madden Game:

Friday, November 25th

Buccaneers (Sal) vs. Giants (Rob) –  Well, Sal’s first try at Madden 12 went about as well as Rob’s.  A 21-0 Giants win was sparked by long, time-consuming drives and an accurate and efficient Eli Manning.  No stats were worth mentioning because this was a pretty boring game (only 325 total yards between both teams.)  I guess that’s what you get when two shitty teams play.

Lions (Rob) vs. Texans (Sal) –  Just as ugly as the first.  Apparently accelerated clock was on, which explains the limited offensive numbers.  Rob’s Lions won 14-13 because that greedy, greasy, guido Sal tried to go for 2 with :42 left.  Well, at least it was close…

Saturday, November 26th

Falcons (Rob) vs. Cowboys (Kumar) – It was a pretty tight game.  It was a boring game.  First half TDs included a lucky toss to some nig named Ogletree and a bomb to Julio Jones at the end of the half.  Second half highlights included a safety for Kumar and absolutely nothing for Rob.  Cowboys win 23-14.

Panthers (Kumar) vs. Browns (Rob) – This game was going to suck.  At least that’s what we thought going into it.  And it did, unless you were Steve Smith.  9 catches for 326 yards and 4 TDs.  Final score – Panthers 42, Browns 17.

MADDEN 12 IS HERE!

Wednesday, November 23

Eagles (Kumar) vs. Giants (Rob) –  Madden 12 is here!  And it sucks!  Changed the camera angles.  Changed the plays.  Changed the feel.  Some for the better.  Most for the worse.  Unless you’re Kumar, who’s Eagles beat the Giants 20-7.  5 turnovers by Eli obliterated any hope for Rob, as team nig LeSean and DeSean supplied both Eagles TDs.  This will take some getting used to.

**Just realized that the INCEPTION theme is playing during the intro video.  This game just went from a 4 to a 9!!!

Friday, November 18

Eagles (Sal) vs. Giants (Rob) – Complete.  Domination.  Rob’s Giants outplayed and outclasses the hapless Iggles.  The two headed tandem of Brandon Jacobs and Ahamr Bradshaw combined for 261 yards and 4 TDs, while Eli Manning avoided the costly interceptions (despite Sal’s begging and pleading) on his way to a 125.3 quarterback rating. Mike Vick struggled, tossing 4 picks, and the G-Men ran away with it 48-14. Rob leads the series 3-1.

Jaguars (Rob) vs. Panthers (Sal) – Similar to their last matchup, Sal could not stop Rob’s ground game, nor could he figure out how to play offense.  The Panthers were held to 207 total yards, while MJD put up 180 total yards all by himself and tossed in three touchdowns for the Jags.  Time of possession: Jaguars- 14:23, Panthers- 5:37. Score: Panthers 14, Jaguars 40.  Rob leads 4-1.

THIS IS MADDEN

Tuesday, November 15

Broncos (Rob) vs. Titans (Sal) – Chris Johnson played like he just got paid…in other words, he sucked.  Tebow-mania got involved, throwing an early touchdown pass, but it was the Broncos ground game and Kyle Orton’s efficient 3TD performance that led Rob to the 28-20 victory.  Rob takes the 2-1 series edge.

When I die, I hope I am presented with a huge reference book containing personal statistics for my life.  Total money earned, total money spent, girls hooked up with, times I used the word “fuck”. A book like this would give me endless pleasure in the after-life.

Of course, one section of the book would be titled “Total Time Spent Doing Things”

It’s a safe bet that sleeping would be first, followed closely by masturbating.  Now that that admission is out of the way, we can assume that the 3rd spot on my list would be occupied by Madden.  No other video game has devoured as much of my time over the years, and it is with that in mind that I begin this rolling blog.  Sal, Kumar, and I have whipped out Madden 11 for PS3.  Playing with severely outdated rosters and while frequently under the influence, these are the tales, the legends, the  Chronicles of Madden…

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As an active member of the “Nostalgia Generation”, I often find myself reminiscing on the interests of my youth. As a psychology major, I often size people up and group them based on certain personality traits. Basically, I’m a big kid who is a judgmental prick. With that in mind, I ask you to think of your favorite Power Ranger (the originals only please, the Mighty Morphers from ’93-’95) and learn what that preference says about you.

It’s Morphin’ Time!

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In honor of the Fourth Of July (sorry, I’m a day late…I was too drunk and full of ribs to post yesterday), Manimals presents:

The Top 5 Cinematic American Presidents

5) Peter Sellers – President Merkin Muffley - Dr. Strangelove

I’ll bring a little class and culture to Manimals by choosing choosing Sellers’ performance in the Cold War era satire “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb”.  Not only did Sellers star as the President, but he also scored laughs as Capt. Lionel Mandrake and as Dr. Strangelove himself.  Check out his awkward conversation with the Russian Prime Minister as the world appears headed for a nuclear holocaust (start it at 0:56).  Fun!

4) Morgan Freeman – President Tom Beck – Deep Impact

A black President?  Ridiculous.  Oh, wait.  I guess 1998′s disaster pic foresaw the future of American politics.  I bet no one bothered Morgan Freeman for his birth certificate.  He’s fucking Morgan Freeman!  Not only has he played the Prez, but he’s also been cast as God himself!  In the battle of “Best Presidents in Asterioid Disaster Movies that Came Out In 1998″ Freeman clearly outclasses whoever was in Armageddon.  Screw that movie.

3) Lloyd Bridges – President Thomas “Tug” Benson –  Hot Shots! Part Deux

Lovable Lloyd Bridges was cast along side Chuck Sheen (winning!) in 93′s comedy  Hot Shots! Part Deux and the duo helped make one of the best parody films of all time.  Back before “Date Movie”,  ”Disaster Movie” and “Another Shitty Movie” there were real parodies, and Bridges was one of the best in that role. (don’t worry, he survives this clip, I just can’t find the extended cut)

2) Bill Pullman – President Thomas J. Whitmore - Independence Day

If you didn’t watch Independence Day yesterday, then you are a terrorist. Bill Pullman provides us with quite possibly the greatest speech in fictional Presidential history, inspiring a group rag-tag humans to rise up and defeat a highly advanced alien race using little more than Will Smith, a MacBook Pro, and an alcoholic pilot. God Bless America.

1) Harrison Ford – President James Marshall - Air Force One

When I think of the perfect President, I think of someone with attitude, passion, and the balls to literally punch a terrorist out of a plane. Harrison Ford brings this and more. As his movies have shown us, when you fuck with his family, he’ll fuck you up. If there is one man in Hollywood that I would trust with running this country, it would undoubtedly be Han Solo, Indiana Jones, and President James Marshall – a.k.a – Harrison Ford.